Johnny Bravo Gets The Girls
by LiveFromTheFastLane
Summary: Johnny Bravo, womanizer and failing at it, despite fitting all marks on the shallow woman's checklist. A more realistic alternate take on how such a character would fare in the world.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Johnny Bravo was always one of my fav cartoons, but it bothered me to see how in-series Johnny is always rejected by the ladies, despite confirming to the shallow pretty-boy standard: macho to the point of rudeness, cliché surfer look, muscled like a gym rat and finally a single soft spot(in this case for his momma) in order to show what's underneath the tough exterior.

He has so much in common with the immature jocks who hogged, did and dumped all the dudettes at my old highschool, all while said dudettes ranted on about feelings and equal relationships, etc. When one would point out that their actual tastes were shallow and that they led themselves be treated like sluts, suddenly you're sexist and an insensitive jerk that needs to grow up. In a way, this hypocrisy was even harder to tolerate than all the macho jocks(at least they didn't lie about their intentions).

So this fic has Johnny behaving in a more realistic manner. My apologies if you don't like the crudeness of this fic, it's not for pussies who cringe at swearwords and certainly not for women, who may be annoyed at the skewering portrayal of their sex. You have been warned, you don't need to read it, so don't complain.

**Chapter 1: Bimbo Bingo**

So there was Johnny strolling along the boulevard with his GF for 3 weeks already when she called him out. "Are you ogling those women?" she inquired. "Oh yeah, baby," Johnny answered, distracted by a generous cleavage passing by. It was summer and shorts skirts and tops riddled the place. It was paradise. "Eh wot?" his cheerleader GF with only cup C exclaimed. "I don't like it when you do that" Quoth Johnny: "And I have to listen how you drool over Edward and Jake and ponder which one of them would fit you better?" "That's different, those aren't real" she defended herself. "Yeah right, to each his own", Johnny said back, and started focusing on the long legs that came walking in their direction. "You don't even look at me the same anymore!!!!" she shouted, and then did the most rational thing a girl in her position could do and broke off the relationship. Johnny thought to himself: "Her loss, plenty of fish in the sea..and I'm fishing with dynamite!" Then he went home.

At home Johnny learned she called his cell, so he phoned her back, believing that she would come back with her tail between her legs. But then the voice on the other end of the line shrieked: "You are a swine, an animal." Johnny dissed her most awesomely: "Well, you are a harpy. And it's natural for animals to follow their impulses, while harpies aren't even real." And then he hung up. She'd turn around soon enough. No-one could satisfy her as good as he could, with his monster wang.

He went to the kitchen to make some food, and came up with this nice little syllogism: 1. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. 2. The natural place of the women is in the kitchen. 3. Ergo, women are always in heat.

She'd come back, crave his loving once more. Some girlfriendless nice guys and so-called feminists would consider this sort of behavior low. But to Johnny, the lower he was, the better he could look up skirts. And besides, he got the girls, so he was in the right based simply on reality as an example.

Later that afternoon, he went back to the boulevard, under the pier, for his fav pastime: G-spotting. He could get a tremendous view on dudettes' panties from down there. No doubt the activity would make feminists' leg hairs stand on end(because they refuse to shave lol), but he didn't care. But unfortunately, there was someone who did. A nearby cop, who was fat, bald and lesbian, ran up to Johnny and politely informed what Mr. Bravo thought he was doing. The cop, who had encountered Johnny before and whom Johnny had named the Butch Bitch, proceeded to give him a fine for loafing about after Johnny couldn't offer an adequate explanation and sent him away.

Johnny was pissed and started to use all sorts of gendered and highly discriminatory insults(in his head, because he was once more made aware of PC fascism breaking down on innocent pastimes). He figured he'd go to a bar to cheer himself up and see what nationalities there where to seduce and bang(the setting is San Francisco, that also explains the butch cop). He needed either a Puerto Rican or a Korean girl to complete his Bimbo Bingo, which was a bingo sheet with all sorts of nationalities on it. You do a nationality, you tick it off, and when you have a bingo, you treat yourself to a hunting trip, the pinnacle of masculinity. Little did he know the Butch Bitch was still following him…..

End Note: Playing with the idea of creating a bit of an overarching plotline, but I don't want to make it too outlandish. I like the sense of realism the setting has so far, I'd like to keep intact. As standard, please review and rate, I'm interested in your opinions as long they're not protracted rants about what I can and can't do with my story.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Sorry for the late update, I kinda forgot this thing existed. Anyhow, I'm going to introduce some symbolism into the story to make it a bit deeper, since people seem to be thinking that if it doesn't match up to their experience, the story is automatically poorly written. This symbolism it supposed to be metaphorical and stuff, so don't think I'm breaking canon by suddenly introducing supernatural elements.

**Chapter 2: Beaver Battle**

Johnny was walking through a crowded street full of nightlife and tourists. He purposefully ignored all the scantily clad ladies making moon-eyes at him, making his impressive physique due the work. This tactic, called negging, was used by his heroes in the PUA community(look it up, it's awesome).

Soon, a Puerto Rican lady with a heavy accent which I not gonna bother to type out since that would be 'racist' spoke to him: "Pleased to make your acquaintance, I find myself in a particular fit of arousal without any possibility of release, if kind sir would offer to relieve me, I would be enamored with him for an immense span of time". "Nice", Johnny replied with a Harrison Ford smile(the movie star, not the anti-Semitic car manufacturer). Just as he was about to feel her mammary, a voice behind him shouted "Rape!".

Return from the previous cliffhanger, it was none other than Butch Bitch. Johnny turned his head 180 degrees and replied sarcastically: "It's not rape if you say surprise!". This sent Butch Bitch into a fit of rage, but instead of falsely arresting Johnny, she mumbled under her breath and pressed her hand onto the tarmac of the road. Eerily enough, the asphalt bent into the shape of a gigantic vagina dentata and feral beavers thrice the size of the normal specimen started pouring out. Even though purely metaphorical in nature, that didn't make them any less dangerous. There were quite a lot of them, since Butch Bitch was one those shut-in animal herders(with her looks, I would have a hard time making friends too). Butch Bitch shouted in German: "Mach him töt!" Clearly, it was not okay for a man to boss around his girlfriend, but okay for a woman to boss around her pets. The beavers stomped their tails on the ground and rushed forward to dogpile poor Johnny.

"Macho straight!" a voice shouted, punching the air and sending the horrid creatures fly everywhere at sonic velocity. A burly man dressed in a red speedo and accented with a porn stache landed in front of Johnny. "Greetings, Johnny. I'm the god of masculinity, your patron deity. Until now, I was unable to interfere in your life, but now that the fourth wall has been broken and weird shit is happening all over the place, I am allowed to appear to you. Before I offer some plot exposition, can I get a brofist?" Just as the baffled Johnny was about to comply, a horrible, bloody snap had occurred. Slow motion kicked in as the confused god looked at his scrotum, which had been bitten off by the Butch Bitch. She spat it out into a box, cackling manically. "Well, this will speed up the plot considerably and garner more interest and reviews!", she monologued. "With this symbol of stolen masculine power, we will be able to bring the harpy goddesses of feminism, Dworkin and Solanas, into this realm!". The god of masculinity dropped down into the arms of Johnny and mouthed: "It's up to you now!" and transferred his remaining powers into Johnny. Even though he had only known him for a minute, the heartbroken Johnny cried out loud: "NO!". Determined to interrupt this bromance, Butch Bitch used this moment of distraction to finish of Johnny, where it not for the marginalized character of Puerto Rican Girl leaping in to stop her. Butch Bitch cried: "You dare hope to stop? You are nothing but a Damsel In Distress, so do not hope you can have any significant impact on the fight!" Then she pimpslapped the girl, which shows how heretical our villain goes in against gender patterns. Then she grabbed her in a hot-girl-on-girl scene, where it not for her profound ugliness, so I'll spare you the description and disappeared into the vagina dentata, letting out an 'ohohohoho' the entire time.

An unspecified time later, in an unspecified location that smelled of scented candles and poofy cushions, Butch Bitch revealed the scrotum to her leader. "Hahaha, excellent work!" said the largest of a collection of nefarious silhouettes. "Soon, the moon will be full and as the tides of our PMSes synchronize, we will pull our patron deities into this reality, forever establishing a matriarchy! Ahahaha!". And on that chilling notion, our chapter ends.


End file.
